50 Shades of Blegh

At the risk of pissing off my female readers I'm going to use this opportunity to bash the erotic novel of the moment: Fifty Shades of Grey.  I picked up this New York Times Bestseller from my local (online) Barnes and Nobles after hearing a raving testimonial from my little sister.  My sister started reading the 50 shades trilogy after hearing about it nonstop at work and learning that my mom really liked it. After this, I was sold...  My mom doesn't read a ton of books so for her to complete a book and move on to the sequel really speaks to it's quality. 

264 pages in....  I'm not sure that I'll be able to look any woman in the eye again...ever.  This book is S&M porn...straight up.  I have no moral objection to a woman enjoying her right to be spanked or clamp a man's nipples, but I'll admit - it's not for me.  Now, I could enjoy a good story line and around page 80 or so it did seem like one was certain to develop, so I was willing to draw my attention away from the porn.  I not only wanted to see where it went, but also I DETEST not finishing a novel.  Years ago, I read The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood and I never quite got into it, but I'll tell you what....I plugged through that book and about a year and a half later, I was finally finished.  No matter how long it takes and how much it bores me, I will finish the book 99% of the time.

Not so with 50 shades.  I was able to put the sex aside to continue reading, but I was not able to get past the following.

• Anastasia Steele (the protagonist) constantly refers to her sex drive as her inner Goddess.  It was clever (ish) for maybe the first, I don't know, 37 times she referred to her Goddess, but somewhere along the line, I got sick of her saying that her Inner Goddess was beaming, shaking it's little finger, or pouting.  Nice idea, E.L. James, but you need to trust your reader to remember that Ana has an inner Goddess and let it the frick go.  Too much.  

• Christian Grey (the billionaire and S&M addict) springs into phallic action at the very idea of Anastasia biting her bottom lip.  Two things, (1) same as my first complaint....repeated about 20 too many times (only in the first half of the book) and (2)  what man (especially one as experienced) as Mr. Grey can't control himself at such a common facial expression?  

• Ana Steele's first sexual partner was Christian Grey and from the very beginning of their sexual history, she experiences multiple orgasms with every single encounter.  This is just not realistic.  I think that this is irresponsible writing as it's going to set up America's pre-teen population (yes...they're reading this) for disappointment in their future love life.  

• The S&M I'm not going to harp on too much, because, you know...to each his own.  Again, not my thing, but what do I care if all of America secretly wants to be fisted in every oriface? 

To conclude, 50 Shades has accomplished the once impossible achievement of being the 1st book that I was entirely unable to complete.  I know that many women like it and good for them...and E.L. James' retirement home.    I do encourage everyone to do a little research on the book first to make sure it's for them before they spend their money on this book.

That's it. All done.  I feel a bit better now.  For those of you who missed this little gem, courtesy of SNL and of course daily motion:  http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqmofb_saturday-night-live-fifty-shades-of-grey_shortfilms